Chinese parody newspaper for April Fools’ Day censored by authorities
April 2, 2011Jing Gao2 Commentscensorship, chengguan, Chinese milk scandal, Chinese Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Food safety, forced demolition, Fukushima Nuclear Plant, funny, hilary clinton, irony, Ministry of Transport, parody, product safety, sarcasm, The Onion, tofu-dregs construction, wikileaks, Yale University
NetEase, one of China’s biggest web portals, published Happy Times on March 31 for April Fools’ Day. The parody newspaper, similar in style to The Onion, is laden with witty and scalding sarcasm. The spoof news stories nailed most social maladies and problems. However, several hours after its publication, it was removed from NetEase’ web page. Most netizens lamented its short life, and expressed worry that NetEase editors may be invited to a tea, a euphemism for being detained and questioned by cops. Let’s take a look at what imaginative and hilarious stories they have written.
(Click on image for high-resolution version)
Selected satirical stories
1. Mayan prediction decoded!! Only damn Chinese can survive 2012 Apocalypse!! Stomp your feet!!
WikiLeaks released a cable that hackers intercepted from the U.S. government computers today, which has shocked the world.
This is a report co-authored by the U.S. NASA, FBI, FDA, EPA and other institutions. The report says, the severe damage caused by Japan earthquake and tsunamis to Fukushima Nuclear Plant has been elaborately covered up by Japanese government. In fact, a huge amount of radioactive substances have already been leaked, and it is unstoppable and irreversible based on the current scientific development. The radiation will soon be carried to every corner of the world by monsoons and ocean currents and inflict fatal harm on all mankind. Within 19 months, all living creatures would be wiped out. This is the truth behind the ancient Mayan prediction regarding 2012 Apocalypse.
At the same time, the report sheds light on an astounding secret: research proves that only Chinese people can survive the cataclysm. For so many years, Chinese have been undergoing the baptism of black heart cotton, melamine-tainted milk, Sudan Red, swill oil, insecticide-tainted ham, liquor adulterated with methanol, beer with formalin, carcinogenic shampoos. Coupled with them is the ancient Chinese medicine and I Ching that fortify our body. We have evolved into a brand-new species distinctly different from mankind and totally impervious to weapons and poisons. Dr. Balderdash, a biologist at U.S. Yale University, said in the report, “Though outwardly Chinese people are still human, but practically they’ve evolved into deities. Nuclear radiation to Chinese is no problem at all. They may even evolve into a more powerful species, which is advanced beyond words, after this round of exposure to radiation. We can only refer to them as God of God, or, Father of God. The U.S. government attempted to use similar methods to improve its citizens’ physical health. However, the U.S. food safety law is so sound, regulation so strict, that they failed. Obama is not daring enough. He absolutely doesn’t have what it takes to be a bold, brutal and brazen political leader. So in the end, the plan of rescuing the United States didn’t work out.” At the end of the report is U.S. Secretary of State Hillary’s comment, “Reviewed. Washington D.C. is stupid cunt. Obama is a wimp. Socialism is the only salvation of the United States. End of the assessment.”
At the same time, Chinese Ministry of Foreign Affairs had to hold a press conference to respond to the report with incredulity, “Despite the fact that China’s human rights record is five times better than the U.S., Chinese’ people’s genes, compared with American people, haven’t gone through significant changes. The validity of the 2010 Apocalypse theory is yet to be confirmed. However, people around the world, please believe that Chinese people will always be with you, even when dying. We are definitely your brothers,” spokesperson Qin Gang said.
2, Houses are too sturdy. Citizens demand to get forced demolition by drawing lots
Nowadays, China has ranked the first for its houses built to last. However, problems brought by houses that are too sturdy loom large. Recently, an increasing number of architects said too sturdy houses would hamper the advancement of arts. Many new architectural concepts cannot be realized in China. This sentiment has also influenced the ordinary people. More and more of them ask their old houses to be demolished and demand to live in fashionable new houses. To insure justice and fairness, local governments have ordered that candidate houses be chosen by lot.
(Insinuations about forced demolition and shoddy tofu-dregs construction)
3, Civilized law enforcement of urban management squads cures infertility
Today, chief commentator Shuang Xiaguo with our newspaper and Microblog Daily received a thank-you letter written to Director Wu of Chengguan (urban management) Squad in the jurisdiction by Xia Xiaoya and Luo Xiaoman. The letter was written in the form of folk rap indigenous to the Mountainside District. The main idea is to thank the district’s Chengguan Squad for curing infertility, which had plagued the couple for years, through their civilized law enforcement.
(Insinuations about violent chengguan and false advertisement)
4, Feel at home on subway trains, Ministry of Transport say
With Tomb-sweeping day around the corner, our country is going to experience spring’s peak travel season. Faced with citizens’ rigid demand for outings, Ministry of Transport says it will heighten the standard of its services and introduce new services in a bid to bring better traveling experiences to passengers. In order to provide bus passengers with further satisfaction, bus operators all over the country have used catch-as-catch-can strategies. In the city of Wuhan, bus services have on universal praises for their “buy bus fare, get condom; buy monthly pass, get discounted abortion” promotion. Many women of loose morals said they love to take busses to and from work on over 20 days out of each month.
(Insinuations about spring festival travel season and the pretentious reference to prostitutes as women of loose morals)
5. Waves of buying Chinese-made goods sweep the world
On April 1, the ninth limit on foreign purchases of products made in China goes into effect. The enforcement of the policy is due to the global hoarding of Chinese products. Why do they come to China to hoard goods? A microblog post exposed the truth: “Chinese goods are the best. They are sold only home. The second-rated are exported. Foreigners are frustrated.” Since American milk products exceeded melamine limit one after another in 2008, Chinese ones have been out of stock every now and then for several years. Since 2011, ham has been in danger in Europe. The word ‘Fit Pig’ has made Chinese, who have always been eating good meet and drinking good water, come to the realization again that foreign countries are terrible. Foreigners who have cash snap up goods crazily in Chinese malls as if they were supermarkets.
Chinese cars can be driven for 10 years without changing parts. Chinese garments can be worn without a loose thread. Chinese cellphones can be used for 8 years without dropping a call. Chinese milk can make kids stronger after they drink it. Chinese colleges care about only knowledge and no money. But this happens only within China.
(Insinuation about product/food safety)
6. Thanks to iodine overdose, Chinese smile in face of nuclear radiation
Statistics show that the average iodine content in Chinese people’s bodies is 33% higher than normal, which is enough to withstand any radiation. Hou Bixian, director of strategic iodized salt research group said, “The 21st Century is the century of iodized salt. Those who own pickles rule the world. In the situation where the global soy sauce market is intricate and complex, our great success as such is attributed to the government’s long-term stress on and support of smelly tofu. We have been stomaching mock from domestic and foreign media. Luckily, we’ve made it.”
(Salt hoarding/panic buying)