What consequences must a laowai (foreigner) accept if he marries a Chinese woman?

October 26, 2012Jing Gao22 Comments, , , , , , , ,

The following is translation of a blog post written by North America Brother Cui, a Chinese stand-up comedian living in the United States who is well-known among the Chinese diaspora in the U.S. He writes in the opening paragraph that he interviewed “a dozen laowai married to Chinese wives” before he summed it up in this article, which lists “marrying a Chinese woman is marrying her entire family,” “no privacy”, “a palate for everything”, “driving kids to death” among others as the consequences of an interracial marriage between a Chinese woman and a laowai, who, according to Chinese stereotypes, is more often than not a white male.

The post, published on October 24, immediately gained popularity on Chinese social media and Internet forums. On Sina Weibo alone, it has become the No.2 trending topic and has garnered over three million related discussions. A great majority of Chinese netizens say they find it hilarious and somewhat true, although others beg to disagree. What do you think?

laowai

Two years ago, a blogger named “Ambitious American Young Women” wrote a similar article, which was widely read by people both at home and abroad. The smart woman, with her witty language and personal experience of being married to a foreign diplomat, made her article vivid and fun to read. Pity that she herself has become an American diplomat and stopped writing. To hand on her torch, I borrower her idea and interviewed a dozen laowai married to Chinese wives before I wrote this article. Please, my fellow Chinese, listen to the moan and groan from the bottom of laowai’s broken hearts.

Consequence 1: Home occupied by Chinese 

Anyone believes that marrying a Chinese woman is marrying her alone? That’s the biggest BS (bull shit), or in Chinese, backwards, SB (sha bi, stupid cunt).

Laowai around the world, listen. Once you marry a Chinese woman, it is tantamount to marrying her entire family. In less than six months, her father, her mother, her second elder sister, the kid of her second elder sister will queue up to come here. More than a hundred years ago, it was only one Chinese worker who came to San Francisco to build our railway, and look, today, California has over a million Chinese, and you cannot even survive there without speaking Chinese. Which country in the future has the never to invite Chinese over to build railways? Chinese call it “A single spark can start a prairie fire.”

And my perfectly normal American home has been occupied by Chinese in a blink of an eye. I am a white man of Scottish descent. So many generations in my family since my great great grandfather have never seen a single wok, and now there are two in our kitchen. Open the drawer and look, except for three pairs of forks and knives, it is all chopsticks. What a pain! I can now even use the damn chopsticks to pick peanuts. For instance, chili peppers, Chinese are capable of turning them into a dozen products, chili pepper oil, chili pepper sauce, chili pepper paste, chili pepper powder. There is even one called “Old Godmother” (a famous brand of chili pepper sauce). How can one not be turned into an Old Godmother after eating such hot stuff every day?!

Consequence 2: No more privacy

Once Chinese occupy your house, do not think about privacy. One day, I was sitting on the toilet seat doing No. 2 when my father-in-law pushed the door open and walked right in. He turned on the tap and practiced English while washing hands, “Hao-ah-yo? An-der-yo?” (How are you? And you?)

Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch in my study from reading, my mother-in-law would sneak up to me like a cat, throw a blanket on me and pat on my leg. She patted on the wrong place quite a few times. Yes, Chinese are just so hospitable. There should be no distance between one another now that we are a family. So every time I want to go Dutch with my wife, she gets very angry, “What? You want to go Dutch using my money?”

In my own house, wherever I go, I find either my father-in-law or my mother-in-law or both of them follow me around. I walk ahead, they turn off lights right behind me. Basically, I leave darkness behind me wherever I go.

Consequence 3: No touching anywhere at home

A perfectly find staircase with a thick rug, and my Chinese wife wraps the rug with a layer of plastic. Then upon a closer look, I realize that almost everything in the house that easily attracts dust is wrapped in a layer of plastic, for example, remote control, and piano keyboard.

Chinese rarely use dish washer, because it is for storing bowls. Americans like furniture to be closer to life, comfy and casual. Chinese want their furniture to be simply for display, for show. It is hard and cold when you sit on it, and you cannot lean on it or lie on it. We foreigners are usually tall and big. I have broken three antique Chinese chairs, for god’s sake.

The tea utensils that Chinese drink tea with are even more frightening. They are as small as those Indian ghanta bells. I can still be thirsty after drinking three hundred cups of tea using those. How unbelievable!

Consequence 4: A palate for everything

Everything with legs under the sun, except for table, will be made into a delicious dish by Chinese people. I generally love everything they make. Just don’t let me know what is it that I have eaten.

They say Chinese love meat. This, I can understand. But is there any meat on chicken’s feet, duck’s beak, and pig’s ear? My wife’s family can never get enough of those, even though they eat those for every meal. I get shocked by just looking at that.

I love eating fish, but I cannot put up with eating fish head, because I don’t want to look at the dead fish in the eyes. Let me put it this way: any animal with eyes and capable of staring at me with his eyes is not my food.

I once joked with my wife that if one day there is a great famine in the United States, her family will not hesitate to cook me and eat me up, including my “foreign ears, foreign eyes and foreign chop suey”.

If you happen to have a Chinese wife who loves to cook soup or prepare Chinese herbal medicines, expect your neighbor to call the police. We have had police knocking at the door three times. Our neighbor called them, saying that it smells chemical weapons within a few miles.

Consequence 5: Don’t ever quarrel with your Chinese wife.

What is frightening about Chinese women is their memory. Even if you make her unhappy with just a small deal, she will immediately bring up a thing dating back to ten years ago that seems to be exactly the same as this one. I think this must have something to do with noodles that they love to eat: long, one after another, and seemingly endless. If you make an American wife unhappy, you can get away with “Sorry.” If you say “I was wrong” to your Chinese wife, she will ask you right away, “In what way?”

Chinese wives were born with a mission to transform men. Not only does she try to transform you, she wants to own you and have total control over your entire schedule. No wonder that China cannot produce a navigator/explorer like Christopher Columbus, because even before you set sail, your wife starts inquiring, “Where? With whom? Any woman on the ship? How old is she? What does she look like? As pretty as I am? How did you know her?” Then the man can only reply, “Okay, okay. I am not going.”

Consequence 6: Driving your own kids to death

Americans raise kids to make their life happy. Very few Americans vow to turn their kids into elitists. But Chinese seriously don’t pull punches when it comes to child-rearing. They force kids to learn piano, martial arts, ballet, Chinese language, math at a very young age. It’s probably the best if their kids can finish the master’s and Ph.D degrees before 18, skip over adolescence and leap into the middle age, retire by 30 and kiss the world goodbye at 40.

Anything little kids love to play, anything young people love to do, Chinese parents would forbid it. In other words, Chinese parents never treat their own kids like a human being. Their only goal is to drive their kids crazy as fast as possible.

I did not understand how tiring it is to be a Chinese until I married a Chinese woman: Instead of a spoon, they insist on using two wooden sticks when having meals, and they eat rice! How time-consuming is that? And the invention of their characters. Did they really have to be so hard on themselves by designing so many strokes? After you finally master 100 characters after making so much effort, you go to Taiwan and find, damn, they use traditional Chinese characters! What a waste of time!

I heard that in the past, Chinese had to carve every character on bones with a knife (Note: oracle bones script). It took more than a month to carve three characters. Does that sound like the kind of thing humans do?

Whoever is going to marry a Chinese woman is about to always have a goal in his life for the rest of his life. Buy a house. Buy another one. After buying this one, furnish that one. After the Ivy League, the kid moves on to a doctoral program. The next goal is getting into a big company. After a million is saved in the bank account, another million for each kid is going to saved. The next goal is… It turns out Chinese are always exerting all their strengths. As long as they are still breathing, they plan for the next goal.

I often ask my wife, why Chinese cannot and do not enjoy life and always make life so hard for themselves.

She answers, “Oh, right. And what we Chinese really enjoy doing is staying healthy and living long so that we can suffer more in the world.”

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22 comments to “What consequences must a laowai (foreigner) accept if he marries a Chinese woman?”

  1. Woods | October 26, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    Is it supposed to be a funny piece ? Not sure if it’s a problem of translation, but it sounds pretty lame.
    – Woods

  2. Jay K. | October 26, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    whether it’s funny or not I married a chinese girl, and what’s hilarious is about the questions and exploration…seriously it’s sad

    and the telling the husband what to do, im in the situation now, fuck…

    should have married a white chick

  3. Alina T | October 26, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    “No wonder that China cannot produce a navigator/explorer like Christopher Columbus, because even before you set sail, your wife starts inquiring…” ?! Um, what about Zheng Ho–he was purported to discover US before Christopher Columbus.

    I’m American born Chinese but never heard of North American Brother Cui and this translation had several grammatical errors. Among which “a perfectly find staircase”?

    This article, I thought was pretty stereotypical: chinese food, family, raising of kids. But the part about plastic on remote controls, I thought was spot-on. My dad does that.

  4. Ard | October 28, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    So sorry to read how hard your life has turned after marry a Chinese woman. I think I should be in the opposite side, because I married my Beijing mei li lao po 5 years ago, and , excepting some argue, like any other nationality couple, I do not regret at all . And I could not find a better wife than her.

    • George Bull | October 29, 2012 | Permalink Reply

      wow!!! You praise your wife to high heavens. You will be treated more than a king by your wife. Hahaha. You are one lucky guy. I mean, most Chinese wife are really good. They really care for the family.

  5. Jonathan Fairbank | October 30, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    My Korean fiancee is to die for. Sexy, elegant, smart and caring. I am one lucky bastard!

    • Jack | October 30, 2012 | Permalink Reply

      Ya, wait till your her husband.

    • Jack | October 30, 2012 | Permalink Reply

      Ya, wait till you’re her husband.

  6. AfypavKopi | November 3, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    Доброго времени суток хочу всех предупредить об интернет магазине который занимается мошенничеством. Aunasvodvore ru Купила у них Детскую игровую площадку (США) а оказалось голимый Китай качество просто ужасное покрытие пачкается краской, неприятный резкий запах, всё очень хрупкое. Возвращать деньги Aunasvodvore ru отказываются так как она поломана. На ней играли два 4 летних ребёнка. Если качество не достойно цене что даже ребёнка не выдерживают.

  7. Maitiu | November 4, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    Why do they have to use “laowai” in the title? Would it have been acceptable if it was “What consequences must an American man accept if he marries a chink?”

    • rozen30 | August 24, 2013 | Permalink Reply

      they see all foreigners the same.

  8. John | November 7, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    This guy’s a sha bi, its so easy to find diffrences between our cultures, but he made the decision to marry a Chinese girl. He should exept these diffrences and stop bitching about them.
    It doesnt matter who you marry, you will do some things diffrently to your partner. wheather they are chinese or American
    Maybe if he came to China and got to know his wife, her family and Chinese culture instead of just buying her online he wouldnt be in this situation.

  9. LOL | November 16, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    come on guys, this article contains some remarkable facts or better “dangers”, that is if you are unable to put your foot down and act as the king of the castle.

    This kind of crap can happen to you with any chick on this planet, but especially chinese since their family bonds are so tight.

    Make sure she and her family understands from the beginning (before marriage) that you are from a different culture playing by different rules, if that works in an early stage it will work later on and everything will be fine.
    Start by not joining the new years festival celebration and insisting to go for holiday instead (you are so stressed out from work and really need a vacation).

    Purposely refuse several “red envelope” birthday parties per year for vague reasons, like a football game on TV.

    Generally test if she’s able to accept to place the interests of your partnership above those insane traditional values.

    I know several foreigners happily married to Chinese women (for decades), only one of them is partly suffering the above.

    This article is drafted for one purpose only, to keep foreigners away from chinese women. As we all know Chinese men hate the fact that any Laowai can easily snatch his babe if the laowai just decided to do so.
    Chinese women are great live partners and wife’s.

  10. solstice_sg | November 24, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    You should go back to America loser! China is not for you then.

  11. zendog | December 17, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    This piece is obviously written by whose native tongue is not English. Come on, if you want to discourage laowai from marrying Chinese women by planting cautionary tales you’ll have to improve your English.

    • Jing Gao | December 21, 2012 | Permalink Reply

      This is written by a Chinese speaker who claimed to have talked to western men married to Chinese wives, and I translated it from Chinese into English. For starters, I am not an English native speaker. Second, this piece is obviously intended as a joke.

  12. yomero | December 21, 2012 | Permalink Reply

    Lol. My family is chinese but I can relate to a lot of what’s been written in this list.

    1) Living in the western world not everything is adapted for chinese usage. A lot of stuff in the kitchen been occupied by chinese bowls and cooking tools in places where they shouldn’t be. Like the author mentioning the dish washer used to store bowls, add the oven. And despite having hundreds of spoons, forks, knives and other very convenient western kitchen utensils and gadgets stored in the cabinets and cupboards, in the end we end up using chopsticks and my mother uses nothing but the Chinese chef’s knife and wok. She avoids cleaning or putting western stuff in easy to access places so we don’t use them. When she needs to finely chop a variety of vegetables and other ingredients she prefers to waste an hour with the chinese chef’s knife than spend 5 minutes with a food processor. Both will end up being washed along the dishes anyways.

    2) Yup, my parents have a different concept of privacy. Back when I was a student they’d always tell you to study, you go back to your room to study and they’d follow you to your room and bring their business there… errr excuse me I’m trying to study here, hello!? And don’t mention when they’re giving you an earful they’d even follow you to the bathroom. Did I mention when I started working at home on finances and told them don’t disturb me during certain hours or during remote conferences? If I didn’t lock the door they’d walk in, interrupt, distract or whatever acting like a pair of clowns. Lock the door and they’d knock at the most inconvenient time even if you told them you’d be busy…

    3) Yup, if the furniture or appliance came shrink wrapped they left the plastic. If not, they wrap it in plastic. Did I mention sometimes electronics would break because of overheating? What did you expect when you cover the vent holes/slits with plastic? Their justification? dust would get inside them… Don’t mention their choice of furniture. Bed mattresses or Sofa? They would chose the softest, most comfy one and in a strange twist once at home they put a damned wood board on top!!!??? Because according to chinese medicine, soft mattresses injure your back… Then why not buy a fucking hard mattress in the first place!??

    4) My relatives and my parents love to eat chicken feet (phoenix talon) but to me it’s really bones and skin. And in the big quantities they eat, you do the math, for each two feet they eat, somewhere else someone is enjoying the rest of the chicken… And about soups and herbal medicine, yes everytime my mother prepares them no matter how she says she’s using different ingredients, they all look and taste the same, awful tasting brown or black liquid. Can I mention even if you give her some recipe for some western soup with vivid colors, I don’t know how but she makes it end up looking brown or black like her chinese soups or herbal medicine. As for western food no matter how the recipe goes or how it instructs you to cook it, she ignores it and says it all cooks the same and ends up either fan fried in a Wok with gallons of oil or steamed and end up tasting “chinese”…

    5) Lol, no matter what insignificant something is my mother has some negative criticism for it, nothing can be good enough for her or leave it be. Can’t shut her mouth once she starts giving an earful to my father. What’s worse is that it compounded with No. 2. At nights they’d start arguing and I’d come and tell them to shut up, I’m studying or stop arguing about insignificant or inconsequential things. They’d tell me to go to sleep it’s late and tomorrow you need to go to school. Yeah, got to sleep and 30 minutes later wake up to them yelling again.
    And this overflows into

    6) Where my parents followed Chinese traditions. According to them and chinese tradition, cheering, prizing and rewarding is wrong, it’ll will make your children weak. They need to talk you negatively, call you useless, disobedient, bastard, so you can grow strong? Maybe it works to train a soldier, but for a little kid I don’t know how much psychological damage they have done to me over the years. My father’s family taught him to treat his children as shit, hit them hard and don’t let them rest for a second. My mother on the other hand is the all mighty all knowledgeable being in the universe even if she’s wrong 99% of the time, but you can’t argue with her because she’s an adult and you’re a ignorant child (even though she barely finished elementary school and you’re in college already), you just follow her orders because you don’t know any better, you don’t have experience in society like she does, blah blah blah. And if you stray from the path and career choice they have laid down for you, you’re so fu… And don’t get me started on the chinese mentality about having a college degree to be successful. They’d rather ruin your internet/IT startup where you were already earning money and expecting to see 6 figures soon, so you had to go back finish college as they planned rather than see you succeed outside the limited scope of their chinese ideology, because they’re older and wiser than you, and they’re always right in the choices.

  13. susan | February 26, 2013 | Permalink Reply

    You should go back to America loser! China is not for you then.

  14. Sarah | March 21, 2013 | Permalink Reply

    Never marry a Chinese woman, will cry all your life.

  15. Sarah | March 21, 2013 | Permalink Reply

    I have the experience of having a Chinese woman in our family, oh god, they are just good to fuck. They are not marriage material at all. All they need is money and a luxurious life. They treat their husbands like dogs, or even worse. They expect the husband to do everything for them. The saying goes well for them “good for nothing”

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